> All by myself..

~~Friday, September 29, 2006~~

1:19 PM

Just came back from a holiday to Genting. Yupz, Genting again. It seems to be a yearly event that cAnt be missed. My 3rd time up there. But biy, the weather is so different from the last 2 times I went. It was so much colder. It was so cold outdoors that my finger tips turned purple and now I am down with flu. Nothing much changed up there. All seem the same. The same food outlets, same deco, same room layout, and etc... I did enjoyed my trip though it was disappointing that I did not bought anything from there at all. Nothing caught my buying attention. In fact, I was trying very hard to spend. But still, bought nothing home. So the majority of our cash was spent on food. And the most worthwhile food was the Japnese food (Sushi King) at Genting Resort. Very value for money. Hahaha...Will pop by there again if I am ever there AGAIN..hahaha...

Left one more week to the start of one month revision break for the final exams. And 2 projects to be handed in in the upcoming week. Must fight fight fight..!!!!!

I got to be strong now

~~Thursday, September 21, 2006~~

11:56 PM

I havent seen him for close to 1 month. He is always so busy with his school work. The quality of time spent together has lessen over th years. Honeymoon period is over. We quarrel more often. Things are no longer what they were used to be. He say that he hasn't change and he feels that everything is still almost the same. But for me, I can't agree with that. The pasture is no longer as green. The flowers still blossom, but they seem to lost their first sight sparkles. And I really don't know why.

Sometimes I wonder, is relationship also like a product life cycle. It has to go through the stages of growth, stability, decline and death? Of course there are everlasting products, but they need to constantly undergo new marketing strategies and market re-positioning to affirm their value to the consumers. Is relationship similiar to that? I look at people around me. I have friends who break up after like 6 years of relationship; I look at my parents, their marriage prove to be failure after 24 years; I look at my aunties and unlces, most of them have lost the lovely touch. What are important to them now is food and money. It is hard for me to believe in real and true love after everyone around me seem to be in the decline stage of their relationship. Then if everyone knows that there isnt true love, then why bother to enter into a marriage? Isn;t that a waste of time and energy. I really don't know. I fear relationship, I fear marriage. Despite the fact I want to have a family of my own. To have a place I can call home. To have a soul mate. But sometimes, fact scares me. Of course there will always be those beautiful exception cases, where couples lived to an old age but their love is still strong, even till the day they die. But what are the probability? They are like the classical example of everlasting products in market. Once, Rotiboy was up and raising, like hot pan cakes, but now, business has folded. But organisation like NTUC, is still alive and kicking and growing strong.

I fear the unknown. But what's the use of fearing. When we were bornt, we knew that we all have to die someday. Though we don't know when that day is gona be, but that doesn't stop anyone from living their everyday and doing what they want. Instead, since life is so valuable, we should live it to the fullest, do what we really want. But is that always a reality, or are they just dreams for some of us...

I am scare...

I got to be strong now

~~Sunday, September 17, 2006~~

2:05 AM

Oh.....I hate noisy and naughty kids. Please don't judge me for I just dun like these kinda of kids. Parenting is a failure when your kids scream at their top of their voice, running around and all over public places (regardless of the amount of peopl present), cry non-stop for something that they badly want in public and knocking into strangers. ARRGGGHHH....Kids...They are no longer innocent like they are suppose to be, at least for the majority of them. They are like small little imps.
Went out today and I am so unlucky to be next to this over active kid. He kept bumping into my butts and running up and down the train. The once in a while, he will scream for joy, like he is amused by the amount of people standing in the train staring at him. Kids...How I hate these kinda of kids.

I got to be strong now

~~Friday, September 15, 2006~~

11:01 PM

I am slowly finding back my drive...Slowly...The harder I push..The more tired I get..But at least I am moving..It still bettr than nothing..Jia you Yuan...Jia you Yuan...

Better late than never?

I got to be strong now

~~Wednesday, September 13, 2006~~

11:06 PM

You are my pillar of support when everything and everyone gives up on me.

I love you

I got to be strong now

~~Saturday, September 09, 2006~~

4:50 PM

What Have I done to deserve all these. I am getting pretty f**king tired of going in circle. If I could chose I would all these to end now and right this second. I am not chicken, but I get tired. I am tired of trying to make you understand. Maybe all these are just meant to be. I touch my heart, I have done my part, fair and square. Maybe its nobody's fault. Maybe it is just a wrong mixture of chemicals and a totally poison cocktail. Its nobody's fault. Lets accept the fact and move on. I am tired of feeling gulity and tired of been pin pointed.
Is it wrong to let you know how and what I feel. If thats wrong, I dun wana talk about it anymore. I dun wana listen anymore. Coz in the end, I am that is at fault. I am sick of trying to opening up to you when you think that all I do is kicking up a fuse. I need someone to understand. I dun need answers and I dun need advise. I just need someone to listen to me. Spare me a ear and zip that mouth. If I am making you feel so bad, then just leave. Walk away, I dun care coz I cant give anymore.
If its my fault for expressing my thoughts and feeling. Fine, from now on I will burn off that mouth of mine. Dun tok to me, dun ask me why, coz I am not gona whisper a word. I will wana bottle myself up like a can of coke. And some day I hope I explode, to release myself out of all these.
For hating you, I blame myself. For holding onto fairytales and believing in tall tales. I hate myself for not being strong euff. I hate myself for catching myself and letting me fall thru where I am now. I shant have opened up to you in the first place. I should have ended all these when I have the chance. I hate myself for thinking of the positive, coz I am just painting a wonderful picture of what I thought it would be. I am tired of hating myself. I am tired of feeling gulity.
Walk away...Really...Just walk away...

I got to be strong now

~~Friday, September 08, 2006~~

2:08 PM

I was going through some of Oreo pictures. It was then I realised that how much she has grown over the last one year plus.

When she first arrive at my hse. Sleeping inside a box.

Look at her small inoccent face. So cute.

Look at her now. Cant even fit inside a box.

Look at how her face now. My beautiful girl.

But I still love her as much. *muckz *muckz

I got to be strong now

1:30 AM

Life's a bitch...Live like you were dying...

Thats the lesson of the day and that will stick with me for quite some time. Life is so unpredictable. All these high uncertainties are forcing me to think positivity. My inner self is crying out loud to release it from my status quo.

I got to be strong now

~~Wednesday, September 06, 2006~~

11:01 PM

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy:

Your propensity for monogamy is low.
You see love as a gift that you should give to many.
It's hard for you to imagine being with one person at at time...
Let alone one person for the rest of your life!

Experience Level:

Your experience level is high.
You've loved, lost, and loved again.
You have had a wide range of love experiences.
And when the real thing comes along, you know it!

Dominance:

Your dominance is medium.
You tend to be the one with more power.
You aren't a total control freak in relationships..
But of course you don't mind getting you way!

Cynicism:

Your cynicism is low.
You are an eternal optimist when it comes to love and romance.
No matter how many times you've been hurt - you're never bitter.
You believe in one true love, your perfect soulmate.
And if you haven't found true love yet, you know you will soon.

Independence:

Your independence is low.
This doesn't mean you're dependent in relationships..
It does mean that you don't have any problem sharing your life.
In your opinion, the best part of being in love is being together.

The Five Variable Love Test

I got to be strong now

~~Saturday, September 02, 2006~~

1:19 AM

In a totally lousy mood. Was suppose to study managing change today with Mich. Met up to study at the NLB at Bugis. But omg, the whole world is there. It public holiday, or rather teachers' day, dun all those school kids wana go out and have fun? Is library their idea of fun? Anyway, the amount of ppl there kinda of tickle me off. There was no place to sit at all. There are so many ppl there, to study to read and to research. And yet, many of them are like sitting on the floor, using the cushion stools like table. For goodness sake, cant nlb acquire more tables and chairs? Library is supposed to be a place where ppl can study. How do u expect a person to study wif their back all bend over in the wrong way. I thought its part of government duty to ensure nurturing environment for people to study and work? Till now I still get the new concept of a library. Its like, you cant bring your own notes into the reference section upstairs. librarians there are so caution about individuals bringing in stuff. Check and check. Cannot bring highlighters, notes, files, folders, sharp objects, etc...I know they are just doing their job. Maybe they oso feel that the new system is very stupid. I mean, the new system is really veri strict and strict in alot of wrong ways.

People need to bring in their notes so that they can refer to what is needed by the project requirements in order to find the data they need.
Library is suppose to be a place for study. With the strict regulations, no one wana go there and study, despite the fact it is good studying environment. But there are plenty of tables and chairs, yet, people are all crampled up down stairs.
If they really wana be so thorough in their checks, they should place the 'guards' at the entrance of the locker room. So that they can really check everything that you are thinking of bringing in and make sure you don't waste money by re-opening and re-locking your locker when you have to put things that are not approve back into the lockers.

Anyway, Mich and I stayed awhile in the reference section. Then after like an hour of taking notes, both of us got tired and wen to zap the relevant topics and left the building. Went to Suntec. There's when my shopping mood kicked in. Actually, it was not really shopping mood. But because I was having a veri lousy mood, I decided to find something to do to try to cheer myself up. In the past, when I have very bad and lousy mood, I will go for a haircut. I will have it cut real short. But then, I spent like $100++ to re-bond my hair last year, don;t really wana waste that money. So now I am on the search for alternative to cheer myself up.

Lip Gloss

Eyelash Curler from Body Shop

I totally love the body shop paper bag
No to animal testing~!!!!

Well, I guess shopping is not my alternative, coz I am still in quite a lousy mood. It so complicated that I dun even wana think about it. But it juz kip floating in my mind. I wana get it over~~!!!

I got to be strong now