> All by myself..
♥ PROFILE

Y U A N
there's nothing wrong with my name.
If you think you know me, read my blog and think again.
I'm imperfect and I'm Lovin' It.
I'm the only witness and the only person who can judge my life.
This is my blog so Click here if you hate it.

♥ DESIRES
I love doggies.
I love green.
I'm dizty and sunny
I party till dawn,
I shop till dusk.
That's coz...
I'm a girl.
And a beautiful one too.

♥ TAG


♥ Dar-link

Marc. Junwei. Vivian. Darren. JeN. EnEn. April. Jac. Jas. Cheryl. Samuel. Hui0. Raine. SummerTingz. Iceberg. AppleSweetGirl. Riko. Scottlyn.

ARCHIVES;

September 2004 October 2004 November 2004 December 2004 January 2005 February 2005 March 2005 April 2005 May 2005 June 2005 July 2005 August 2005 September 2005 October 2005 November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 April 2006 May 2006 June 2006 August 2006 September 2006 October 2006 November 2006 December 2006 January 2007 February 2007 March 2007 April 2007 January 2008 February 2008 March 2008 August 2008 October 2008 November 2008

♥ CREDITS;

Design by:cssndr
Image upload:Imageshake
Photoshop

Friday, August 26, 2005
12:47 AM

She says...

She loves her mum...
She loves marc...
She loves her friends...
She loves her Oreo and Dory...
She loves green, purple and brown...
She loves her room...
She loves Eeyore...
She loves green tea and coke...
She loves ice-cream, chocolate, bread and cakes...
She loves to sleep...
She loves to watch tv...
She would love to graduate by nxt yr end...
She would love to have lotsa of money...
She would love to have a complete family...
She would love to spend more time with mum...
She would love to be able to support her mum...
She would love to shop...
She would love to buy a hse...
She would love to settle down...
She would love to learn to drive...
She would love to adopt more stray puppies...
She would love to own a pet shop...
She would love to own a cafe...

I got to be strong now

Wednesday, August 24, 2005
2:55 AM

She says...

Guess wat...
I am awake...
3am...

I got to be strong now

Friday, August 19, 2005
12:30 AM

She says...

Sometimes...
I wish I could change what I could change...
But scar will always be there....
Even if make up was applied...
When its time for bed...
One would always use make up remover...
Cleaning away the beauty illusion...
Exposing the hidden truth beneath...
Even plastic surgery wun help...
Coz one day it is gona give way...
Like wat happened to MJ's nose...
Melt away...???
Then again exposing the truth...
Ppl say...
Dun judge others on their past...
Like you dun want others to judge yours...
But....
What if the past is unforgivable...???
Then the qn will be...
"What is unforgivable?"
Betrayal, murder, backstabbing, etc...
Which one is forgivable...???
Some say...
Mayb the 'criminal' din know wat he was doing...
Mayb the 'criminal' was too young to understand...
Mayb the 'criminal' din know it was wrong...
Then again...
What is too young...???
Below 16, 18 or 21...??
What is not aware of his doing...???
Insane, nuts, crazy...???
What is din know it was wrong...???
Innocent, ignorant, stupid...???
I realli dun know...
I want things the way they should be...
In all normal family...
Then it hit me again...
What is normal...
Peaceful on the surface...
Stirring thunderstorm beneath...???
Or juz be frank with each other...
Breaking off each others' neck...???
I realli dun know...
Everything is subjective...
Everything's difference is juz a thin line difference...
Which I realli cant tell...
How can one ignore the hard fact...
Which is facing you everyday...
Everytime you wake up...
You see what you see everyday...
No matter which part of the hse you go...
You see the problem...
But yet...
You dont do anything...
Not that you cant...
But you dun want...
Coz you cant overcome yourself...
In accepting what had happened...
A scar will always be there...

I got to be strong now

Thursday, August 18, 2005
2:29 AM

She says...


Gulit overwhelm me...
I killed a young bird today...
I reali dun meant for it to happen...
I walking my usual path back home...
After a rain...
As I was going up the stairs...
I saw this black bird...
Veri small...
Like a baby bird...
Hopping on the steps...
I din take much notice...
I carried on my path...
Onli to bump into a cat which is on its way down...
I stopped...
Sensed sumthing was wrong...
I walked back...
The bird was there...
But watched by an evil pair of eyes from the cat...
For the instance...
I knew I have to do sumthing...
But I din dare..
There was passers-by...
I was self conscience....
"What would ppl think if I was saw picking up things from the streets?"
"Would I be called crazy...?"
I realli duno...
I knew I paused and stonned...
Mayb a bit too long...
Then I took out a plastic bag...
Wanted to capture the bird in it and bring it else where...
But the bird jumpped as I approached it...
An so did the cat...
Damn...
Next happened all so fast...
The cat leaped onto the bird...
With the bird in its mouth...
It ran...
I waved the bag at it...
Freaked the cat out a bit...
It dropped the bird...
The bird hopped onto the grass patch over the railing...
I tried to shoo the cat away...
But failed...
Before I could like jump over the railing...
The cat pounced on the helpless bird...
Carrying it by its wing and ran off...
The cat stop not far from me...
It placed the bird down...
With its paws on the bird and mouth reaching for the wing...
It is as if the cat wanted to ripped off the wing...
Shit...
I ran up to it...
Onli to see the cat picking it up in the mouth again and ran into the field...
Onli the cries of the bird to be heard...
As I watched the cat disappeared into the field...
The cries stopped...
Then I juz stood there...
I realli duno what to do...
I knew whatever I could do next...
Most pro gona be too late...
I stood there...
For a while...
For that moment...
It din bothered me if ppl think that I was a crazy girl staring at empty field...
I juz stood there...
Then turned and walked away...
Then I looked back...
Nthg...
The air was moist...
And it was all suddenly peacefull...
No sound...
Nthg at all...
But...
I dun feel peace....
In fact...
Theres this huge thunderstorm stirring in me...
I blame myself...
For the bird's death...
If I was to picked it up the first time I saw it...
It wun have died...
It was juz a helpless bird...
Why din I help it...
Why did I let my self conscience over take the nid to help another being...
Why am I so selfish...
Why...
The bird din have to die...
It juz din have to...
It is me...
I caused its death...
The bird have to die bcoz of me...
I hate myself...
I juz hate you and your stupid self conscience...
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU

I got to be strong now

Wednesday, August 17, 2005
12:07 AM

Wa...
Realised that my wish list juz got longer...
Wahahaha....
Mayb I want too much...??
LoLx...

I got to be strong now

Monday, August 15, 2005
10:48 PM

Irritated...
Thats the mood I am in right now...
Had almost like a long day today...
Actualli wasnt that long...
But the dry lecture make every min seems like hours...
Was falling asleep in my seat...
Was having second tots abt going to sch this morning...
Coz i realli cant understand his lecture...
But thinking of the money I spent on it...
Worse...
I am not making the slight effort to at least attend his lecture if i din go...
In the end...
I kicked my butt outta hse...
All the way to sch...
Managed to try to stay awake...
Then dragged myself to nokia care to fix my brother's fone...
Hoping that I could use it in replacement of my stupid fone...
BUT they closed for renovation juz when I stepped in...
Dratz...
If I was like 10 seconds earlier...
I would have been able to send the fone for servicing...
*Speechless...
Then to end my day...
I had to be on bus wif some little monsters...
3 freaking bratz...
Mind you but they are little sch girls...
They were pushing and screaming at each other on the crowded bus...
First they bumped into me like I am a pillow cushoning their fall...
I shoo them wif a hard stare...
"Wei...dun play liao...see you bump into ppl..."
With that line I tot they learnt their lesson...
But I was wrong...
Monster will be monster...
They were so happy in their freaking game of 'who will fall dwn first'...
They din grab hold of any hand grip while the bus jerk and turned ard bends...
And guess wat...
One of the monsters stepped on my toes when the bus jam the brakes...
Damn...
It was painful and they din even say sorry...
Worse...
Still carried on playing as usual...
Damn....
These monsters...
For that moment...
I wished that they will fall and cried out in pain...
I mean fine if you bump into me the first time...
Everyone makes mistakes and fault...
But to repeat it twice coz of the same thing onto the same person...
Damn, it is unforgiven...
And still think that nthg was wrong...
Sometimes I wonder...
Am I juz being a bitter old auntie...
Or are kids juz innocent...
Or are they ignorant...
Should we blame them for their own doing...
Or blame their parents for their up bringing...
Coz we know that some parents do allow their kids to bounce, jump and scream in public places...
Freaking little monsters...

I got to be strong now

Thursday, August 11, 2005
11:50 PM

Some ppl juz dun get it...
This sentence...
Has so muc meaning...
To the extend that...
It could be applied on myself...
There are so many things in life...
All of us...
Juz dun get it at times...
For me...
There are so many thing I dun get it...
Life is one of them...
Saw this thriller of this art central new programme...
It kinda of circle ard the topic...
"Are we what we are due to fate, seal since the day we are born?"
It makes me wonder...
Why something in life are juz what they are...
Why some of us are juz plain rich...
As if tones of endless supply of money...
Cars, condo, cash, cards....
While some...
Dun even know what will happen the next min...
If there is food on the table...
Some wake up each morning...
Wondering if there is euff to feed the children...
If they have euff for the children's education...
Or even...
Worry if they would be alive the next min...
For me...
I am lucky...
Even up till now...
I thk I am still...
Though times have change...
Past taugh me things that I wish I din learn...
But...
I guess it is like an excahnge for what I have now...
And what I could possibly have in the future...
I was once better off financially...
Kinda of spend w/o thinking much...
But of coz not to the extend that it is endless supply...
But slightly better....
Dun nid to worry abt money much...
Then now...
Things change...
Though I hate my life now...
Envy those bloodly rich kids which spend like burning paper...
But sumtimes...
I juz tell myself...
At least I learn to appreciate the idea of saving...
And being thrifty...
Now even a eating out...
I will do my math...
See if have euff to go ard the mth...
I wun say i am totali money wise...
I have my slips too...
Like when I crave for a can of coke...
Or a bag of chips...
Worse....
A bag...
Hahaha....
Juz that....
Sumtimes....
I wish I could be proud of my past and what I am going thru now...
And thank God for everything He is giving me...
Preparing me for the future to come...
But sumtimes...
I juz cant help feeling that life is juz unfair...
Things that are so valuable to one...
It could be treated like dirt by another...
Life...
Juz isnt fair....
And whenever I feel that...
I feel that actualli I could do more...
I could give my mum a better life...
Evertime i eat out...
I always feel gulity...
Coz I could have always bring my mum out and have what I was having then...
I have seen so much more in aspect of fun, enterainment and food...
Which I think my mum deserve every nit of what I am having now...
My worst fear now...
Is to have anything happen to my mum...
A slip, a fall or a fever...
I wun know wat to do...
I love her so much...
And i regrat all that I have done in the past that hurt her so badly...
I am learning to treasure her....
But I am scare that it will be too late...
I want to give her a life she deserve...
Not what she is having now...
I want to give her the world...
I want to....
And i hope I am working towards that....
Mum...I love you....

I got to be strong now

Thursday, August 04, 2005
4:08 PM

I am gona whine...
So...
Err....
Juz look away if you dun wana hear...
Hahaha....
So hard to stay focus...
Sitting in front of my pc for the entire day....
But the amount of output till now....
Dun justify the amount of time I sit in front of the pc...
And juz to thk that I was out to change my lifestyle...
So hard...
So hard being a human...
Tempted by all desire...
Games, MSN, Blogs....
Ahhh....
Muz finish what I set out today...
Stick to the list...
Stick to the list...

I got to be strong now

Wednesday, August 03, 2005
1:02 PM

Been a while since i updated...
Busy....
Or mayb juz plain lazy...
I thk second reason fit the bill better...
I'm at home...
Supposed to be in sch...
But my head hurts like crap...
Sheez....
But I thk I could have juz gone to sch...
But I guess...
I am letting things get to me...
Affecting my studies...
Indirectly could cost me my initial final goal...
Some things happend over the weekends...
Dragging over the past few days...
Unable to stay focus...
I am a mood control person...
Mood affects me in all ways...
Up down left right...
Which...
Is not good at all...
I need to have control over myself...
Dun let mood control me...
I am human...
Not beast....

I got to be strong now